After three months of 24-7 baby duty, I have returned back to the work force. Oddly enough, it wasn't as difficult of a transition as I thought it would be. A simple choking goodbye as I kissed Max and rubbed his soft little head and headed out the door.
Would he even notice I was gone? Would he cry for the eight some hours he'd be away from me? Would I cry for the eight some hours I'd be away from him?
In short, nope.
By the time I sat down to my desk, turned the computer on and re-situated the layout of objects that were moved about in my absence, I realized I wasn't reaching for the tissues. I did, however, quickly replace an old picture in a frame, with a family photo of the three of us on our first visit with Max to Disneyland from the week prior. I smiled at his chubby cheeks and gladly showed off the photo to colleague's that entered my office throughout the day asking about him, followed by a "welcome back!".
I noticed something within the short hours of being back at work. It wasn't the odd feeling of coming back to something that now almost felt foreign in my new role as a mother. It wasn't that I felt like in some ways, I really never left.
I noticed the silence.
And, honestly, it was so nice. It felt like a mini vacation.
With Max, you're constantly on. Always looking out for his needs without a moment to breath in between crying fits, feedings or changing. I was his personal servant day and night, running to his beckon call, even in the midst of a shower or doing some other task around the house. The day was a blur, and days were over before I even knew it.
And now, at work, I find the day drags. Although, I have the silence. I have the chance to regain a sense of a schedule. A chance to venture back into my mind that's been so occupied by a fluffy cloud that is Max.
And, most importantly, I have a chance to miss him. Something I never really had the opportunity to do. It was always something I would always puzzle over when Jeremy would mention missing him in passing when he called during the days I was at home taking care of the baby.
"You do mean Max, right? The one that's screaming in my ear at this very moment?"
I get it now.
Now, if circumstances were different and we were able to afford me staying home...?
I don't know.
With as 'high maintenance' Max is, I'm not sure I'd be able to without losing some, if not all of my sanity and individuality. I'm already finding myself making random noises to people I would normally do for Max, or standing in line and swaying as if I were holding him in my arms.
This transition reminds me of getting off a boat from sea, and the swaying you felt on the boat lingers a while on land.
It's a bit disorienting redefining roles and responsibilities.
On a double plus, Max is grabbing objects now and even starting to giggle, too! It's most amazing to watch the developmental progresses and milestones he's reaching. I look at him giggling and laugh myself in awe. How this chunky giggling baby was once just beginning to smile, and before that beginning to hold his head up, and way, way before that, was just a tiny blob on an ultrasound. Man, God is truly and utterly a marvelous artist.
Two lounge babies. Look how much bigger Isis is!
Max's first visit to Disneyland!
Yay, for hats!
Enough with the hats already!
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