What about Max?

…baby steps out the door…

…baby steps into the car….

…baby steps to the store….


Thank you Bill Murray for a frame of reference for my introduction.

So, I faced one of my biggest fears since discovering just how fussy a baby Max has been: Taking him out in public.

Now, I’ve been able to take him to my parents most days no problem. Although, not sure if driving the two miles door to door counts as ‘going out’. But, venturing out into the ‘real’ world has kept me hidden behind closed doors, barely seeing the light of day; a growing problem that was becoming all to comfortable. I knew I needed to at least try, if not for him, than for my own well being and sanity as a human. After all, I can’t stay a hermit for too long.

What was I so afraid of?

Well, the fact that he cries….a lot…. and he must be held at all times when he’s awake….oh and did I mention the high pitched, loud screeches? I was afraid of being stuck in the middle of some store with this hysterical child that would draw onlookers, eyeing me as some insensitive and horrible new mother that couldn’t console her own baby. Would they see the terror in my eyes? Would they find tears that would probably fall from embarrassment? Would they hear the desperate shh’s and coo’s I’d try to calm him with?

What a silly reason to hide. After all, many people take their babies out. I shouldn't be any different. Right?

Mission One: A visit to work.

I’ve been postponing visiting my work for weeks. I would get constant questioning of when I would bring Max in, and of course I would always reply with, “Maybe next week, he’s so fussy,”. I couldn’t use that line forever, and had to face the inevitable. That morning, after weeks of postponing, I planned ahead by giving Max a bath, making sure he was changed and fed and mostly sleepy before strapping him in to his car seat. I lugged him and his overly stuffed diaper bad to the car while letting out a sigh as I started the engine.

“Let’s do this,”.

As I stopped for gas on the way (my mistake), Max became hysterical. I capped the gas cap and quickly fled the station and headed for work, figuring that the car ride there would lull him to sleep. Fortunately, after a few miles he began to calm down, and to insure his sleep, I drove a few extra miles around the area, all the while I keeping my finger on my boss, Marty’s number just in case I had to abort the mission. A block away from work, I got out of the car and peaked in the back to make sure he was alright. He was.

Upon arrival, I was surprised to be greeted by so many waiting for little Max’s grand appearance. He got passed around, held, and cuddled by everyone. It was perfect, no major crying fit! By the end of the visit, Max was out like a light, and I was even able to catch a quick lunch with Marty to catch up. All in all, it went fantastic!

Mission Two: Going to Target

A few weeks passed since the successful trip to work, however, I was once again falling back into the comfort of home and the fear of stepping out of the house. I needed to push myself and attempt to take him shopping. I had a few things I needed at Target, so off with the car seat and diaper bag I went.

By the time I parked, he was asleep. An added bonus to this trip. I popped the trunk and began the struggle to get the massive stroller out. With the heat beating me from all directions from the mid day sun, I gave up on the stroller and remembered I could just place his car seat carrier in the store’s cart. Quite a ‘duh’ moment for me.

The two automatic doors slid open with a woosh, and I entered the store letting out another silent sigh of anticipation. Things were going smoothly, until I got too cocky and spent longer than I originally planned (I just had to wander in the baby clothes section). Max woke up. I see his big eyes staring up at me from his seat.

“Crap,” I thought.

I took a lap around the store, thinking that the vibrations of the wheels and cart would lull him back a sleep, just as the car ride did. And it worked! By the time I made one lap, he was more or less asleep, and I was able to quickly get through the check out, back into the car and on my way home, the ‘Safe Zone’, all without a scene. Mission accomplished!

Mission Three: The Grocery Store

I was on a role. Two trips out and all with success. I was facing this fear head on. The very next day from the Target trip, I ventured to the grocery store.

Now, perhaps, I was getting a little too sure of myself at this point.

I didn’t even make it ten minutes before Max woke up. And this time, the crying began. My heart began to race, as I clenched my teeth. I figured I’d try the ol’ lap around the store to calm him down, but by the middle of the frozen food section, there was no hope that he would fall asleep. Luckily I had a bottle prepared, and whipped it out to feed him strapped into his car seat in the grocery cart, right next to the frozen pizzas, tequitos and burritos.

A lady passed me by, and I wondered if she thought the things I originally feared. But, at that moment, I realized I didn’t care what she thought. I was taking care of my son, and with a couple ounces of formula in his stomach, which was enough to satisfy him for the moment, I gave up on the rest of my grocery list and quickly headed for the register.

Maybe I got a little too cocky with my new found strength, as I’m now sitting cozy once again on the comfy couch, hesitant to reach the door knob to the outside world.

Bob Wiley had it right…..baby steps to the door…..baby steps to the car….


Edited to add: Since the last unsuccessful store mission, Jeremy and I, together this time, ventured back to Target. Max woke up yet again half way through and began throwing a fit. We ended up carrying him the rest of the outing. Like I said, he’s more or less content if he’s held. However, it’s easier when you have someone else there to push the cart.

And no, he doesn’t like the Baby Bjorn or any other carrier. Max is just destined to keep us on our toes! Good thing he’s so adorable!

There is nothing for me but to love you...both

This is the fifth night in a row that Max has actually slept through the entire night, at least seven hours. Thank God! It’s been glorious to get more than a couple hours of sleep straight. I feel like I can almost make it through the day without passing out from sheer exhaustion.

So, why is it 3:00 AM and I’m wide awake?

Perhaps it’s from all the recent vivid and absurd dreams that were pent up from weeks of no REM sleep. Maybe it was the extraordinary Chicken Tikka Masala from dinner. Or it could be the snoring in my ear that’s kept me awake, worrying that the noise will wake the baby up whose comfortably lying in his car seat, still strapped in from the car ride home.

Yesterday, August 5th, was our two year wedding anniversary. We celebrated by going to a little Indian restaurant, Akbar, in Pasadena. Fantastic cuisine, if you're interested.

Going out, just the two of us, is seldom since Max came along. We savored the couple of quiet hours alone in the restaurant, even if we were debating on substituting dinner for a nap.

The incredibly dark and dimly lit little nook, the warmth of the spices and the soft exotic music floating in the air made for an intoxicating atmosphere. Add to that the sweet Riesling I sipped made me drift away from the day. I gazed out the window we sat next to, and sleepily watched the blur of strangers walking by, some stealing a glance in at us with curiosity.

It was wonderful to have adult conversation with my husband. It's far and few that we get a chance anymore. Jeremy’s been working so hard, that even at home he’s catching up on work before the day’s done. And me, I’m on 24-7 baby duty, so it seems.

It’s nice to get a break now.

We talked about his work, and how he’s entering into his externship and shortly stepping into his new role at the center. The modest pay raise is welcoming as any little bit helps.

We reminisced on our wedding day, and how stressful things were. How it was intensely hot days before the Big Day and how I prayed that it would just rain. How relaxing our honeymoon was, even though Jeremy's wedding band was lost to the churning seas of the Black Sand Beach on Maui. It all seems like such a distant memory in time now.

And, of course, we talked about Max. We complained with frustration of his fussy and colicky moments throughout the day (albeit, lesser day by day). We sighed with joy about how adorable he really is and how amazing it is to see him smile back at us. And of course we still debated on who he really looks like (Jeremy mostly). Thoughts of who he will become six months, a year, thirteen years from now became a pondering anticipation.

“We should get back,” Jeremy finally said, since the check was already paid and the container of leftovers were getting cold.

“Do we have to?” I half jokingly said, cradling my glass of a few warm drops of wine that remained.

The drive home was sleepy. I fingered through songs on the iPod until I came across our wedding dance song from the list; Tony Bennet’s version of ‘Just The Way You Look Tonight’. I hit Play and Jeremy took my hand in his and we listened silently to the song. Gazing out the window, the twinkling city lights blurred passed us on the freeway home.

For a moment, I remembered and savored what it was like to just be a couple. I think Jeremy did too, as he missed the off ramp that would have lead us to my parents where Max was. Instead, as if on autopilot, he got off at the next exit that would lead us home.

This new life of ours seems foreign and yet comfortable just the same, as if Max has always been with us. Perhaps there was always a spot for him in our lives to fill and we just never realized it until now. It’s not a bad place to be. Really.

Max finally woke up 6:00AM.